Welcome

I chose to make this page partly for "posterity", and party because the majority of the incidents are reasonably entertaining. There is no "deep point" to it all (or at least not one I am conciously aware of).

What you will find below is only a tiny fraction; I intend to keep adding to, time permitting. Additionally, at the moment most entries are just titles, with no body yet; this will change over time. (Though on reading the aggregate of titles, just titles leaves much to the imagination in a fun way.)
For those items that do have explanation, clicking the button will expand detail.

To both family members and the general reader, I hope you find something to enjoy.

(PS: Some people have Relatives. In my case I had .)

Me

The Little Inventor-Experimenter*

  1. Wax fireball meets wooden house.
  2. Unexpected UV "sunburn".
  3. Did you know burning skin creates a zero-friction smoke layer?
  4. Large trees weigh more than me.
  5. What not to wire your muffler to.

Life Generally

  1. "Surprise!" Shot by babysitter's husband.
  2. Blushing: A self-sustaining feedback loop.
  3. "I have never seen anything like this except on a corpse before!"

Nuclear Family

Mother

  1. My immaculate gestation.

    Background

    My mother (93 and still kicking as of 2024) can be, let's just say, "opinionated". And rather cutting, particularly if she feels what you are saying is "inconsistent" with her world view. This is by no means a comprehensive, rounded description, but does contain elements of truth.

    The Incident

    We were having lunch one day in a hospital cafeteria, discussing her past medical procedures, when she mentioned her long-ago hysterectomy, to which I responded "Yes, I remember when you had that operation."

    Without a moment's pause, and in a highly dismissive and sarcastic tone, she looked at me and replied "You cannot possibly remember that — it happened well before you were born."

    About two seconds elapsed during which time she maintained her unblinking "my memory is better than yours" stare, until the complete insanity of what she said struck her, at which point she just starting .

    I always treasure my few seconds of Immaculate Gestation, feeling it puts to shame any references to Immaculate Conception one may find "In the Literature" as it were.

  2. Trapped!
  3. "I'm still reading it."

    My mother, to put it kindly, often has to have things "just so", and in consequence can be exhaustive (and exhausting) in her communications and attention to detail.

    At one point she wanted to hang a photograph on the wall of her condo, and as part of that, enlisted the services of a handyman. In preparation for his arrival a few days hence, she emailed him, detailing all the issues surrounding the hanging of the photo.

    When he arrived at the scheduled time, immediately upon his opening the door, my mother asked if he had read her email.

    Brilliantly, and without a moment's hesitation, his response was "I'm still reading it."

  4. "He's walking like he has an enlarged prostate."
  5. (More for posterity than amusement.)
    • Actually, you need to add water first...
    • Whose glasses are these anyway?
    • Hurricanes and window-taping — unclear on the concept.

Father

  1. "It's all right everyone, I've got him!"
  2. Maybe eating this was not the choice of the pros...

Brother

  1. A device that throws a curve-ball at over 90mph is perhaps not something to use inside the home.
  2. "Shut the hell up and sit down."
  3. "The reason you're an idiot is because of the extra bone in your nose."

Combo

  1. My parent's divorce — weaponizing slices of ham.
  2. If everyone in the family must agree, you are f*cked.

Extended Family

Grandparents and That Generation

  1. Chocolates as aerosol.
  2. Senility collides with advertising slogan.

Aunts, Uncles, Etc.

  1. "Wait, what drain are we talking about?"

    Background

    When I was young, my family and diverse generations of relatives would converge on a small jointly-owned “estate” comprised of several shared summer homes, located in .

    At the house in which I stayed there was a gravel driveway. It was not uncommon for the ditches that flanked the driveway to, at their bottom, become clogged with leaves, causing rivlets of water to run across the driveway, carrying off the gravel.

    Also on premises was a small swimming pool. At its deepest part it had a drain that, similarly, would get clogged with leaves, causing the filtration system to stop functioning.

    The final piece required was my aunt Hannah's typical failure to give specific names to objects, referring to them instead as “the thing” etc.

    The Incident

    Aunt Hannah, wanting me to clean the leaves out of the gravel driveway ditches: “David, would you clean the leaves out of the bottom of the thing.

    Me, thinking she is referring to the drain at the bottom of the swimming pool: “I can't — I don't know where the facemask and flippers are.

    Hannah: “Why don't you just use a broom?”

    Me: “I don't know where there is a broom with a long enough handle.”

    Hannah: “Why don't you just use a broom with a normal length handle?”

    Me: “I can't because my ears hurt when I go down that deep.”

    It took us that long to realize we were perhaps not talking about the same drain...

Cousins Etc.

  1. "What a small world."
  2. Incensed and insane.

Significant Other

    (Tons of great stuff here, but have yet to get her permission to post...)

More

Friends of family

  1. Bluffing through an overcooked dinner might work, ... if there were any water left.
  2. "On any week you fail to mail me, I will send you my dead cat."