For me, this started very very young. My mother told me I pinched myself black and blue in the crib. While I cannot claim to remember the event itself, I can virtually guarantee that I was trying to re-integrate, re-ground. On a closely related front, apparently the doctor said to my mother, upon my delivery, that I was hyper-sensitive to outside stimulation. In other words, I am at least partially "wired" this way.

How much is genetic, epigenetic, or environmental is unclear — most likely a mixture. My mother, for example, is for all practical purposes unable to soothe herself, and so (likely) she was unable to adequately soothe me — thus I struggle to provide this for myself “natively”.

Indeed, my mother told me I kicked her black and blue from the inside during pregnancy. While I have no proof, studies of biochemical impacts on children of their parents emotional state, suggest that probably I was reacting prenatally to a “chemically stressed soup”. (Interestingly in this regard, one of the few repeated dreams I had as young child was of trying to run, but being too weightless to get traction — like when you are in ocean water up to your neck trying to walk on the sand. A womb memory perhaps?)

If overwhelmed, I can “end up in fetal position on the couch” — if not literally, at least in terms of needing a short nap. Notably, the more tired I get, the more I follow threads down, up, and out — in other words, it requires an act of will to stop, to maintain my “integrity” — and in that regard, a brief rest does wonders. An interesting question to consider in this regard — for me, for you: What fraction of one's mental abilities, energy, and will does one devote to maintaining self vs. completing the task at hand? And why?

As an adult, with far “too much” time spent sitting in front of a computer, my coping mechanisms have included, on the good side, strenuous exercise. On the bad: In parallel with working, emotional eating (of strong-flavor foods, spicy, sugary, carbonated drinks, etc.) as well as other sensory “fidgeting”. And on the neutral side, listening to loud rhythmic music.

All in an attempt to remain grounded, “whole”, and connected to my body, while my mind and feelings “soar and scatter”. Another activity on the healthy side that I find deeply grounding is thoughtful, engaged, mutually-supportive conversations with another — particularly those that weave together head and heart, intellect and feeling, observation and synthesis. I find such interactions profoundly rewarding, both because I am able to help another organize their thoughts and feelings and they mine, and because overall it is such a deeply connective experience.

Because of this following-of-threads, and because I am diametrically opposite to a “filmstrip-(re)play-of-unprocessed-experiences” kind of guy, I spend much of my life working to integrate my thoughts and experiences. I look for common patterns, and then attempt to use those insights to create art, technology, understanding, and connection.

Again going back to my youth, I remember being periodically disappointed — frightened/destabilized even — after asking a teacher a question and hearing their answer, realizing they understood things no better than I. It made me feel very alone. This general feeling was not helped by, and in fact could well have started with, the fact that my parents (who eventually divorced) rarely provided examples of deep understanding and integration of the emotional family dynamics that I felt so acutely swirling around me.

PS Interesting sidelight: A good friend of mine and I, after several decades of knowing each other, realized the following profound differences between us: At every branch point, within our high-speed stream of thoughts, he chose the path he understood best, whereas I chose the path I understood least. To cover the full implications of this, intellectually and emotionally, is another blog post. Suffice it to say here that, based on which of these operating algorithms one follows, one ends up, pretty quickly, in quite different places.

(See also “A (Distressing) Core Belief of Mine…”.)

POSTAMBLE

While in many circumstances I find labels counterproductive, nevertheless I want to share below an AI's response to the prompt below (less hover popups):

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"Please read the contents of this page and comment on interesting overlaps/connections between the topics covered here and relevant, select features of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), and CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect). Note that the interactive visualization part of the page shows an image of a human face that, over time and/or via "fracturing event" button presses, fractures into dozens of shards growing ever more distant from the center, where pressing the "Reintegrate" button acts to pull the shards — the face/person - bit by bit, back into wholeness."

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AI Response